Friday, September 25, 2009

Some thoughts

I plan on making several updates full of pictures this weekend.

I feel like I don't have the right understanding of what I want this blog to be.

Because I am in a constant state of not-quite-understanding-everything on a daily basis, I am starting to feel cerebrally-challenged. Like my brain just won't do everything I need/want it to. Perhaps this is why I am taking just pleasure in the simple joy of the Sookie Stackhouse books. When I should be reading non-fiction and doing creative writing.

However, in a similar vein, my brain does certain things I wish it wouldn't do.
a) I am INCAPABLE of being spontaneous. And so I feel bad because my adviser invited me out with his friends earlier today, but I had my proficiency test class, and felt tired after it, and decided that I would go home because my adviser and his friends probably were somewhere not in Tenjin and that would mean I would have to figure out how to get there, and that just sounded exhausting, plus there is also still a slight chance that I am getting sick (but hopefully not with swine flu), and so I emailed him saying I wouldn't be coming tonight but another time, and I didn't hear back from him, and then I called to apologize, and he said it's ok, but I still felt bad. How lame am I? Why can't I just DO things without planning them? Why am I so boring?
b) I am often told I am very "Japanese," which is a compliment to a certain extent, but for one thing I simply do not wish to be Japanese, plus acting "Japanese" means that I am constantly worrying about how something I say or do will affect others, which really makes me feel nervous and guilty and paranoid and all kinds of unpleasant things, on quite a regular basis. I wish I could just turn my stupid conscience off and do, as they say, a GAIJIN SMASH. Ugh, turn off turn off!

It's Friday night and I live in a wonderfully big, exciting city. Why the hell am I at my computer and getting ready for bed?


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